


Aibiki No Mori

by illusion_flight



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-04
Updated: 2012-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 22:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illusion_flight/pseuds/illusion_flight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just a dream that makes him ask himself questions to which he knows the answers for a long time ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aibiki No Mori

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: G  
>  _Aibiki no Mori_ – a forest of lovers´ encounter. Or the name of Toshiya´s panel in Dir en grey´s fanclub magazine, Haiiro no Ginka.
> 
> Originally written on December 7th, 2011.

  
[  
](http://s200.photobucket.com/albums/aa246/chivakaza/?action=view&current=mori.jpg)

[  
](http://s200.photobucket.com/albums/aa246/chivakaza/?action=view&current=band.jpg)

 

 _"Why have philosophers always spoken of love? That's how philosophy started - No, no. It's not possible. I have an empty head on love in general. And as for the reason philosophy has often spoken of love, I'd either have nothing to say or I'd just be reciting cliches._

 _One of the first questions one could pose... I'm just searching a bit... is the question of the difference between the who and the what. Is love the love of someone or the love of something? Okay supposing I loved someone. Do I love someone for the absolute singularity of who they are? I love you because you are you. Or do I love your qualities, your beauty, your intelligence? Does one love someone, or does one love something about someone? The difference between the who and the what at the heart of love, separates the heart. It is often said that love is the movement of the heart. Does my heart move because I love someone who is an absolute singularity, or because I love the way that someone is? Often love starts with some type of seduction. One is attracted because the other is like this or like that. Inversely, love is dissapointed and dies when one comes to realise the other person doesnt merit out love. The other person isn't like this or like that. So at the death of love, it appears that one stops loving another not because of who they are, but because they are such and such. That is to say, the history of love, the heart of love, is divided between the who and the what."_

\---------------------------------

 

In Kaoru´s dream, because it had to be only a dream, they were in the mountains. It resembled the area around the lake Yamanaka. The more he thinks about it as he lies in his bed, the more he is sure it was one of their recording camps years and years back. Everyone was there. Die was recording; Kaoru can clearly see his expression behind a glass wall of a recording booth even now, on the bedroom ceiling. Shinya, sitting next to him, his hands folded on the table in front of him. Kyo, sleeping somewhere behind him, his nose audibly wheezing; he was probably down with a cold.

Toshiya. Toshiya. There was a lack of Toshiya in this dream until the setting changed all of a sudden and Kaoru found himself walking in a forest next to the lake. From the corner of his eye, in between the trees, he could see the water surface reflecting sunrays. That was where he met Toshiya; he must have been taking a walk on the same path as well.

Yes. It had to be only a dream, it surely wasn´t a sudden recollection striking him after he has woken up. Kaoru tries to remember if something like that happened back then for real, but he can´t. He thinks of a False Memory Syndrome article he read a few days ago. Is his mind playing tricks on him? He is more than sure that´s not the case.

In the dream/recollection/whatever it was, really, they ended up talking about something as they walked further away from the studio buildings. The conversation must have been pretty stupid because as he thinks about it now, Kaoru feels himself grinning so wide his jaw is starting to hurt. At that time they weren´t together yet, he somehow knows. It makes him wonder when it all happened then, when it was exactly when he fell for his bassist. He seems to be missing something because the way Toshiya´s shoulder was touching his was kind of suspicious. For some reason, the warmth is still there and Kaoru brings his hand to touch the spot to make sure it´s not because the other man is lying next to him. It makes him wonder where Toshiya is. Somehow, tonight, right now, he misses his presence in their bed even though nights alone are everything but unusual. He gets up.

 

His feet are cold and they become even colder as he shuffles towards the living room where he sees dim lights on. He wiggles his toes and stops in the door frame. All of a sudden, Kaoru remembers the things he was discussing with Toshiya in his dream. They were accusing each other of being late all the time. There was that kind of a competition back then. God knows what they were trying to do, to prove. Maybe it was just the recklessness of their boyhood. Maybe, maybe. There was more. But Kaoru has no idea what that was.

He chuckles to himself at the memory and attempts to focus his eyes as he gazes into the room. After a while he just gives up and walks inside, finding Toshiya sitting on the couch, papers in front of him. He glances towards the digital numbers on their home cinema system. It´s no use though, they are nothing else but a neon green blur.

“It´s 2:40.”

“Thanks.” In comparison to Toshiya´s after-midnight soft voice Kaoru´s is raspy and he has to cough a little to make it clear. “Thanks.”

“Why aren´t you sleeping?”

“I had a dream.”

Toshiya snickers and looks at him above his glasses.

“Did you eat something heavy just before going to bed once again?”

“HA-HA-HA.” Sarcasm drips from Kaoru´s tone as he slumps down onto the couch, right next to Toshiya.

“You will damage your eyesight like this, Tosh. Do you want to end up like me?”

“Don´t preach. Your bad sight is caused by your old age,” he teases even though he knows where the real reason lies and that Kaoru is right. He just can´t help it.

This time it´s Kaoru who snickers, knowing Toshiya all too well. He leans against the other man with his shoulder, the same shoulder where he felt Toshiya’s warmth after he woke up. It´s not intentional really, but it feels nice. Kaoru says nothing about it, except:

“It was about you.”

Toshiya stays quiet, just scribbles something down. It reminds Kaoru that three days ago he was supposed to hand in his part for their fanclub magazine. A beeping sound announces an incoming message to the other man´s phone, but Toshiya doesn´t seem to be bothered at all. It breaks the flow of Kaoru´s thoughts though.

“Don´t you want to check it?” Kaoru is getting sleepy again.

“It´s Die. He´s been pestering me about going out for the last 2 hours. If you want, check it.”

“You know I won´t be able to read it.”

“Ah, there is really no use for you, is it?” Toshiya looks up from his papers and reaches for a remote control and switches TV on. For no real reason, only a procrastination maybe. A wrestling match from the other side of the planet is being broadcasted. For a few minutes both of them watch with interest, Kaoru squinting his eyes, thankful there is an announcer to inform him about the rounds and the scores. Another message comes and Toshiya reads it finally.

“He´s coming.” Toshiya sounds a bit annoyed, exactly how Kaoru suddenly feels too. He secretly likes these moments of unconscious unity.

He doesn´t want to know why Die is coming, he just leans his forehead against Toshiya´s shoulder and sighs. Now even his thighs clad only in a pair of old boxers are quite cold, so he rubs them insistently with his palms.

“I am going back to bed.” Kaoru would like to ask Toshiya to join him, but once Die says he´s coming he´s unstoppable, so he knows it would be completely futile. The determined expression of the other guitarist appears in front of his face again.

Toshiya shrugs giving him a small smile.

“You really are useless.”

Kaoru stands up. He knows Toshiya doesn´t mean his words, but still makes an offended face, just to rile the other man up a bit himself in some kind of pointless revenge. He scratches his chest and waves with the other hand negligently as he turns on his heel. He hears snorting. It´s the same kind of a snort Toshiya was sporting in his dream.

He never changed.

 

When Kaoru crawls back under the sheets, he wonders what it was that has changed then. Were all the feelings he has for Toshiya now there even before? Back then when they stole him, kidnapped him? Where did they come from and what was their real target?

The truth is Kaoru doesn´t like to think about these things because they are not something he can find an answer for. The answer probably floats somewhere in the back of his mind and that´s fine by him. What or who or when. Who really cares.

Kaoru adjusts his pillow a few times so he can only throw it on the ground next to the bed. He can hear some clatter from their living room now; Die´s arrived. He is more than sure Toshiya won´t even scold the other man for disrupting his work at this time. Kaoru knows Toshiya keeps this kind of words and taunts of his good will only for him.

He closes his eyes. From the corner of his eye he sees the glistening water surface, Die´s red head, he hears Kyo singing, Shinya´s yawning. Somehow he knows Toshiya waits for him back in that forest on that path.


End file.
